Flatten the Coronavirus Curve!

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The CDC put out our nation’s goal of “flattening” the curve, to have a longer, but shorter curve instead of a high peak. This means that the coronavirus pandemic will go on for a longer period of time in our country, but that less people overall would be infected.

Americans are all over it, willing to do whatever it takes to help each other out. But there’s a little bit of confusion as to what it actually means. To make sure we’re all being the best neighbors we can in this time of crisis, let us answer the FAQs on Social Distancing.

If you need to go grocery shopping, try to plan to do all of your week’s shopping at once and try to go during a slower period of the day. Also, try to minimize your grocery trips by ordering food online from retailers like Amazon and Walmart.

If you’re over age 60 it’s recommended that you ask someone to go to the store for you. Church groups and youth groups are setting up volunteer organizations nationwide to help for this very need.

Jogging or hiking on trails should be okay if they’re unpopulated. Try to go during off-peak hours or to the most remote trails you can find to stay safe.

Absolutely not, not even during off-peak hours. Evidence shows that the virus can be airborne for a very long, so all of the heavy breathing will ensure that anyone in the area will get contaminated, even if they’re wiping everything down before and after use. When you add in that most gyms have air conditioning systems that recirculate the air, it just makes them a no-go zone for the next few months.

Your pets still need exercise and you might have to get creative while being safe. A quick walk or two around the block should be enough for most nights, just make sure you avoid people whenever possible. Everyone understands that a friendly wave from across is for safety and not out of rudeness or avoidance.

Most restaurants and bars are closed in many states and should be avoided in the states where they’re not. Even if you can maintain the proper distance from everyone, recirculated air makes these a bad idea.

Many restaurants have shifted to pick up or delivery only options, with the ability to tip from your phone or computer. This is the safest option for those nights when you can’t cook.

With most bars and retaurants closed, this will be how most people socialize. Avoid them altogether as well as the people who went to them for a week or two after to make sure they didn’t get infected at the party.

The good thing about having less social interaction is that you can let your nails and hair go a little bit longer between salon or barbershop visits. Use this saved money to pay down some debt because a recession, possibly even a depression, appears to be on the horizon.

All military branches have also authorized a relaxation of grooming standards to keep our armed forces as healthy as possible.

Wash your hands before you leave the house, use hand sanitizer right before you meet, stay six feet away during the meeting, and use hand sanitizer right after the meeting. If the meeting is at a place with public restrooms, go inside just to wash your hands afterwards as well.

Take a package of sanitation wipes with you and wipe everything before you touch it, as well as when you’re done, just in case the next person forgets theirs.

While children are only mildly affected by the virus, they can still spread it. They’re also notoriously unsanitary. Keep them away from each other unless you want to bring home some uninvited microspic guests.

One positive thing about social distancing is that a lot of businesses are finding out that their employees can be more effective from home than at the office. It’s predicted that many office jobs will go to at least partial from home employment in the near future. Whether this will have a big impact on future pandemics is hard to say but at least it’s guaranteed to minimize rush hour traffic.

There was never a reason to hoard toilet paper, paper towels, bottled water, or hand sanitizer. In fact, toilet paper outtages are becoming less of a thing as the capitalist machine catches up to demand. We look forward to all the idiots who were bragging about buying pallets of toilet paper and hand sanitizer now having to to store these items for months because they lacked faith in our economy.

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